Sent to me by a friend who is a doctor in another Texas City.
(Actual writings from hospital charts)
- The patient refused autopsy. ( Geez, I would hope so!)
- The patient has no previous history of suicides. (One word. Grammar)
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. (Just the WBC??)
- She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night. (Probably should rethink the wording there, pal!) - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. (Heavens! Maybe get her OFF her left side??)
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared. (It was MAGIC!) - The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed. (Ya THINK???) - The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. (Hmmm)
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission. (I know certain parties think otherwise, but when did we need permission to be alive?)
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful. - Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She is numb from her toes down. (Can you really much further down?)
- While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. (I don’t even WANT to know!)
- The skin was moist and dry. (Is this a trick??)
- Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. (Occasionally constant, or constantly occasional??)
- Patient was alert and unresponsive. (???)
- Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (Bet you take the LOONG way all the time, right?)
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. (Shouldn’t be too hard to figure out why…)
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy. (They DO say strength training IS important…) - Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (I never knew breasts reacted to light!! Learn something new every day!)
- Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. (As in… small? Jumbo??.. Never mind. Don’t want to know…)
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. (When did the lab start running THIS test??)
- Skin: somewhat pale but present. (Well, thank goodness it’s at least present!)
- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. (Ummm… sure about that one!)
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. (Imagine if she had three teenagers!)