Funny notes from hospital

Sent to me by a friend who is a doctor in another Texas City.
(Actual writings from hospital charts)

  1. The patient refused autopsy. ( Geez, I would hope so!)
  2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. (One word. Grammar)
  3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. (Just the WBC??)
  4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
    hot in bed last night. (Probably should rethink the wording there, pal!)
  5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. (Heavens! Maybe get her OFF her left side??)
  6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
    disappeared. (It was MAGIC!)
  7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
    depressed. (Ya THINK???)
  8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. (Hmmm)
  9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. (I know certain parties think otherwise, but when did we need permission to be alive?)
  10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
  11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  12. She is numb from her toes down. (Can you really much further down?)
  13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. (I don’t even WANT to know!)
  14. The skin was moist and dry. (Is this a trick??)
  15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. (Occasionally constant, or constantly occasional??)
  16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. (???)
  17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (Bet you take the LOONG way all the time, right?)
  18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. (Shouldn’t be too hard to figure out why…)
  19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
    therapy. (They DO say strength training IS important…)
  20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (I never knew breasts reacted to light!! Learn something new every day!)
  21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. (As in… small? Jumbo??.. Never mind. Don’t want to know…)
  22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. (When did the lab start running THIS test??)
  23. Skin: somewhat pale but present. (Well, thank goodness it’s at least present!)
  24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. (Ummm… sure about that one!)
  25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. (Imagine if she had three teenagers!)

thank you for the laughs this morning.